Is this a kissing book??
For those of you who, like me, have memorized the film The Princess Bride, tonight's humor piece will be a fun treat indeed.

A certain DeVee M. emailed me this. It's basically LOTR as told thru Princess Bride lines, and they work surprisingly well. (From http://www.geocities.com/idrmoon/LOTR_PB_Parody.html , but hosted here to help keep from crashing the fragility that is Geocities.)

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The Fellowship of the Ring

Torture chamber in Mordor
ORC: I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let’s just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?
GOLLUM: Baggins! Shire!
ORC: Interesting.

The Inn of the Prancing Pony
STRIDER: I am waiting for Gandalf! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved.

Isengard
SARUMAN: Form a brute squad then! I want Fangorn Forest emptied before I send out the army.
ORC: It won't be easy, Sire.
SARUMAN: Try ruling Middle Earth sometime.

Above the Fords
ARAGORN: [examining the ground] There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over.
LEGOLAS: Who won? How did it end?
ARAGORN: One hobbit ran off alone, and the other followed his footprints toward Mordor...
LEGOLAS: Shall we track them?
ARAGORN: They must have seen the orcs closing in, which might account for their panicking into error. Unless I'm wrong, and I'm never wrong, they are headed straight into the Dead Marshes. Only Merry and Pippin can be helped now. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Isengard! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.

The Two Towers

Throne Room at Edoras
GANDALF: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wizardry.
SARUMAN [through Theoden]: For the King? To the exorcism? I accept!

Stable at Edoras
GANDALF: No, I said, “Look to the east on the FIFTH morning.” Rush a miracle man and you get rotten miracles!

En Route to Isengard via Rohan
PIPPIN: (To orcs) I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take us. There is no greater hunter than Aragorn. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.

In Emyn Muil
FRODO: [watching Gollum, amazed] He's climbing down the rope....and he's gaining on us!
SAM: Inconceivable! ....Faster!!

Fangorn Forest
PIPPIN: It's not that bad...[receives a glance from Merry] Well I'm not saying I'd like to build a hobbit hole here but the trees are actually quite lovely.

Emyn Muil
GOLLUM: If you're in such a hurry you could take this rope off.
SAM: I could do that, but I do not think we should accept your help, since you are only waiting around to kill us.
GOLLUM: That does put a damper on our relationship. I promise I will not kill you until you reach Mordor
SAM: That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
GOLLUM: Is there any way you'll trust me?
SAM: Nothing comes to mind.
GOLLUM: I swear on the precious you will reach Mordor alive.
FRODO: Sam, untie the rope.

Fangorn Forest
MERRY: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.
PIPPIN: No, no. [still gasping] We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of Fangorn Forest? One, the orc that followed us in here. We already lost him. Two, hobbit-eating tree, which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
MERRY: Pippin, what about the T.O.U.S.'s?
PIPPIN: Treeherders Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

In the Dead Marshes
[Shrieking sound]
GOLLUM: Shrieking eelses! Mmm, tasty!
HOBBITS: No, it’s the Nazgul! Hide!

Fangorn Forest
MERRY: [climbing a huge tree and trying to escape the orc] Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find. [click]
TREEBEARD: Baaarum!

A cave west of Mordor
FARAMIR: [To FRODO] The steward’s stinking eldest son got promoted rather than me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it.

The Return of the King

At entrance to the Hall of the Dead
EOWYN: You’ll never come out alive!
ARAGORN: Nonsense! You’re only saying that because no one ever has!*
*(DeVee says: I really can't take credit for this parody line; you'll find its debut here, which is where I became inspired to write my own parody.)

While seeing off the Rohirrim on their journey to Minas Tirith
EOWYN: Bye bye, boys!
MERRY: Have fun storming Minas Tirith!

Throne Room at Minas Tirith
FARAMIR: Where does my loyalty lie if not here?
[Walks out. PIPPIN stares, aghast.]
DENETHOR: I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a steward has gone soft people begin to disobey him and its nothing but work, work, work all the time.

On the road to the Western Shore
VISION: [in a horrid voice] Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!
ARWEN: [upset] Why do you do this?
VISION: Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up! Your true love lives, and you sail off to Valinor! True love saved her from a lonely immortal life, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo! [ARWEN wakes up]
NARRATOR: It was ten days till they sailed. The king-to-be still lived, but Arwen’s health was becoming steadily worse.

Tomb inside Minas Tirith
DENETHOR: I am the Dread Steward Denethor! There will be no survivors!
GUARD: Now?
OTHER GUARD: Not yet.
DENETHOR: My men are here! I am here! ... but soon you will not be here!
GUARD: Now?!
OTHER GUARD: Light him!
[They light the funeral pyre with a torch]
DENETHOR: The Dread Steward Denethor takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares have but to come true!

Later...

PIPPIN: Singed a bit, were you?
FARAMIR: no, you?

Battleground outside Minas Tirith
WITCH KING: Surrender!
EOWYN: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.

[Molly's note: Hey! What about this: "Hello. My name is Eowyn. You killed my uncle. Prepare to die."]

Inside tower in Mordor.
Frodo lies on floor.
ORCS: He’s only mostly dead!

Minas Tirith
EOMER: What are our liabilities?
ARAGORN: There is but one working castle gate, and it is guarded by sixty men.
EOMER: And our assets?
LEGOLAS: Aragorn’s sword, Gimli’s axe, and my arrows.
EOMER: That's it? Impossible. If we had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something. But this... I mean if we only had a host of Rohirrim, that would be something.
ARAGORN: Where did we put that host of Rohirrim we had?
EOMER: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?! What I wouldn't give for a shockwave/mass earthquake...

In Mordor, after Mt. Doom erupts.
[Screen goes black.]
VO: Frodo and Sam don’t get burned up by the lava.
AUDIENCE: What?
VO: Frodo and Sam don’t get burned up by the lava. ...I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous. [Movie continues.]

At the Coronation.
[Aragorn and Arwen kiss.]
AUDIENCE: Is this a kissing book!?

On the Western Shore
SAM: [excitedly] What is it?
FRODO: Open it up.
SAM: [opening the gift] A book?
FRODO: That's right, when I was your age, adventures were called books; and this is a special book. It was the book my uncle used to write when he was adventuring and I used to write it when I was adventuring...and today, I'm gonna give it to you.
SAM: [less interested] Does it got any sports in it?
FRODO: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles.
SAM: It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
FRODO: Oh, well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. "There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Tale by Bilbo Baggins..."