LOTR/Hitchhiker's Guide?

SAM to SHELOB: Nobody puts Frodo in a corner!

*SNORT*

I'll just throw in a quick one before bed.

Setting: The Mines of Moria

Pippin: How are we doing?
Gandalf: Badly.
Merry: Where are we going?
Aragorn: I don't know.
Pippin: Why not?
Gandalf and Aragorn: SHUT UP!

cheers,
Phil

Your icon is brilliant.

I LOVE YOU.



"On September 23rd, Frodo didn't feel very good. He woke up blearily, got up, wandered blearily round his room, opened a window, saw a Ringwraith, found his slippers, and stomped off to the bathroom to wash."


"But who the devil are you?" exclaimed an outraged Frodo.
"We," said Haldir, "are Philosophers."


"Middle Earth," Gandalf said, "Is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugey mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to Bree, but that's just lembas to Middle Earth. Listen..." and so on.


~ Amy...soooo much more to come ;-)

The Exorcist:

FRODO (to SAM): I think I've lost my faith, Sam.

And why not.

SAURON (through PIPPIN): Your mother sucks Orcs in hell!

~A

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers what the elves are for and why they are here, they will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another which states that this has already happened."

***

Frodo: You know, it's at times like this, when I'm being chased through the shire by dark riders, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.
Sam: Why, what did she tell you?
Frodo: I don't know, I didn't listen.

***

Gandalf handed the ring to Frodo.
"What is it?" asked Frodo.
"The One Ring. It's a sort of magical ring. It tells you everything you need to know about anything. That's its job."
Frodo turned it over nervously in his hands.
"I like the inscription," he said. "'Don't Panic.' It's the first helpful or intelligible thing anybody's said to me all day."

***

"Right," said Frodo, "I'm going take the ring to Mt. Doom."
He glanced round at the others.
"Is no one going to say, 'No you can't possibly, let me go instead'?"
They all shook their heads.

Frodo: I don't know, I didn't listen.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ::mmmrph::

Aragorn: (at finding the pile of crusty burnt Orcs) "You barbarians! I'll sue the council of elrond for every penny it's got! I'l have you hung, drawn, and quartered! And whipped! And boiled...until...until...until you've had enough. And then I will do it again! And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will JUMP on them! And I will carry on jumping on them until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even more unpleasant to do..."


Celeborn: (at meeting Boromir) "Charming Man. I wish I still had a daughter so I could forbid her to marry one..."

Pippin: (after dropping corpse gracefully down hole) "...OK, so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million
for good thinking, yeah?"


Galadriel: "In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry-footed creatures from The Shire were real small furry-footed creatures from The Shire. "


(On the exploding ruin of Mt Doom)
Frodo: "What was the self-sacrifice? "
Sam: "I jettisoned half of a much loved and I think irreplaceable set of pots and pans. "
Frodo: "Why was that self-sacrifice? "
Sam: "Because they were mine! "
Frodo: "I think we have different value systems. "
Sam: "Well mine's better. "
Frodo: "That's according to your... oh never mind. "




~ Amy....tooooooo late for this...

Hullo :)

The first thing that came to mind...

"Well, said Frodo, "if we're lucky, it's Aragorn coming to rescue us."
"And if we're unlucky?"
"If we're unlucky," said Frodo grimly, "Aragorn may be serious in his threat to read us some of his poetry first."

Because if there's anything requiring Poetry Appreciation chairs, it's an elvish poem.

Here's a quickie: lord of the rings / Wizard of Oz crossover. Although I suppose that's already been done.

Hmm, don't know if it has. Trying to think of best place to fit in the naughty connotations of "Some people do go both ways"...

Who among us didn't say "It's just a flesh wound!" when Aragorn cut off Lurtz's arm?

Or, "But I'm not dead!" when Denethor tries to torch Faramir? (I actually HEARD somebody say that in the theater and was hard pressed not to laugh loudly at a Highly Inopportune Moment.)

I crossed over Hitchhiker's Guide with Monty Python once...

Monty Python references to LOTR

The snark is just amazing.

I went to a show of ROTK at Red Rocks amphitheatre in Denver in August. While going to see ROTK in the movie theater is something akin to a religious experience, and people generally behave (well, except when Legolas says "a diversion," which just begs for snark), the Red Rocks was one joke after another. The Monty Python was going at high speed, mostly from my friends, who are all in the Tolkien Society but had the right attitude that night.

My favorite, from when Aragorn and the others ride away from the Black Gate:

"Run away! run away!"

Re: Monty Python references to LOTR

love the icon

...Slartibartfast talking about Mt.Doom,"All those lovely crinkly edges".Can you imagine Marvin the Paranoid Android on the journey through Mordor?
"I can't carry the Ring,Mr.Frodo,but I can carry you.Well,I'll try.If my electro-sensors don't give way.Or I run out of lithium oil.And the heat doesn't melt my specially-made,tungsten-coated exoskeleton that cost the equivalent of the National Debt of a small Vogon outpost.Or two Silmarils.If Silmarils have a price.Maybe..Mr.Frodo...?Mr.Frodo?...I'll just sit here and wait until he comes back....if he ever does.I know he doesn't really like me."

Oooooooooooooooh, yeah!

>snark<

>giggle<

Frodo (ponderously, after being stabbed with the Morgul-blade): I've got a pain in all the muscles down my left side.

Gollum: But Masster, the pass has been here at Cirith Ungol since the First Age."

Frodo: Oh yes, well as soon as I heard I went straight round to see it, this morning. You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to it, had you? I mean, like actually telling me or anything.

Gollum: But the path isss clearly marked.

Frodo: Marked? I eventually had to hack though giant spider webs to find it."

Gollum: Those are the path guideses.

Frodo: With the light of Eärendil in Galadriel’s Phial.

Gollum: Ah, well the torcheses had probably gone.

Frodo: So had the stairs.

Gollum: But look, Master found the path didn't he?"

Frodo: Yes, yes I did. It led through utter darkness to a noisome pass at the top of an disused stairway with a sign on the wall saying ‘Beware of the Shelob.’

lol :)

What a day. Aragornknew that it didn't matter a pair of dingo's kidneys whether Gondor got knocked down or not now.

Frodo remained very worried.

"But can we trust Boromir?" he said.

"Myself I'd trust him to the end of Middle Earth," said Aragorn.

"Oh yes," said Frodo, "and how far's that?"

"About two months away," said Aragorn, "come on, I need a drink."

************

"This must be the Third Age," said Elrond to himself, sinking low over his beer, "I never could get the hang of the Third Age."

**************

Pippin: Can we drop your ego for a moment? This is important.

Denethor: If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now. [Glares at Faramir's body on the bier, then begins laughing insanely.]

MORE


Aragorn: (to Frodo)"You'd better be prepared for the Morgul Blade. It's unpleasantly like being drunk."

Pippin: "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"

Aragorn: "You ask a glass of water."






Aragorn: (To Sam, in Bree)"Just stop panicking!"

Sam: "Who said anything about panicking? This is still just the culture shock. You wait till I've settled down into the situation and found my bearings. Then I'll start panicking."





"The last ever message from Gollum was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to chomp off Frodo's finger and steal the ring, but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish."






"I spare not a single unit of thought on this Steward of a simpleton!" Gandalf boomed. "I speak of none but the Strider that is to come after me!"

Denethor was losing patience. He pushed his hobbit aside and muttered, "I think this is getting needlessly messianic."





Evil Man of The South: "Have you any idea how much damage that Oliphaunt would suffer if I just let it run straight over you?"

Eomer: "How much?"

Evil Man of The South: "None at all."





Pippin: "A pint! And quickly please, the world's about to end."

Butterbur: "Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for it."





"If Hobbits don't keep exercising their lips, Gandalf thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working."





"The Ringwraiths hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."




"Hey, you sass that hoopy Frodo? There's a frood who really knows where his towel is."




"Sorry, did I say something wrong?" said Gollum, dragging himself on regardless. "Pardon me for breathing, which I hardly ever do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it, oh Eru I'm so depressed."




"...and suddenly Frodo had a fairly clear idea of what infinity looked like."



And *giggles* couldn't help it:


"I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle," Legolas muttered to himself...



draw your own conclusion XD

"The last ever message from Gollum was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to chomp off Frodo's finger and steal the ring, but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish."

Brilliant! XD

::manic grin::

In Mordor after Shelob's lair Sam is has successfully rescued Frodo and Frodo is regaining consciousness
Sam heard a slight groan. By the light of the torch he saw a slight shape moving slightly on the floor. Quickly he doused the torch reached in his pack, found what he was looking for and took it out. He unwrapped it and broke off a corner. He crouched on the ground. The shape moved again.
Sam said, "I brought some lembas."
Frodo moved, and groaned again, muttering incoherently.
"Here have some," urged Sam shaking the breaking the lembas again, "If you've never been poisoned into unconsciousness by a giant spider like monster you're bound to have lost some salt and protein. The water and lembas you had should have cushioned your system a bit."
.
.
.
"If I asked you where the hell we were," said Frodo weakly, "would I regret it?"
Sam stood up. "We're safe," he said.
"Oh good," said Frodo.
"We are in a small room," said Sam, "in one of the forts of Sauron's Army."
"Ah," said Frodo this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I previously wasn't aware of."

Ahh, that's more like it! Hee hee. Thank you!

LOTR/Hitchhiker's Guide

Aragorn & Frodo enter the Prancing Pony. Aragorn must warn Frodo that their world as they know it is about to end with the arrival of the Ringwraiths in Bree:-


"Six pints of bitter," said Aragorn to Barliman Butterbar of the
Prancing Pony "And quickly please, the world's about to end."

Butterbar of the Prancing Pony didn't deserve this sort of
treatment, he was a dignified old man. He pushed his glasses up
his nose and blinked at Aragorn. Aragorn ignored him and stared
out of the window, so the barman looked instead at Frodo who
shrugged helplessly and said nothing.

So Butterbar said, "Oh yes sir? Nice weather for it," and
started pulling pints.

He tried again.

"Going to watch the match this afternoon then?"

Aragorn glanced round at him.

"No, no point," he said, and looked back out of the window.

"What's that, foregone conclusion then you reckon sir?" said Butterbar
. "Atchet without a chance?"

"No, no," said Aragorn, "it's just that the world's about to end."

"Oh yes sir, so you said," said Butterbar, looking over his
glasses this time at Frodo. "Lucky escape for Atchet if it
did."

Aragorn looked back at him, genuinely surprised.

"No, not really," he said. He frowned.

Butterbar breathed in heavily. "There you are sir, six pints,"
he said.

Frodo smiled at him wanly and shrugged again. He turned and
smiled wanly at the rest of the pub just in case any of them had
heard what was going on.

None of them had, and none of them could understand what he was smiling at them for.

A man sitting next to Aragorn at the bar looked at the two men,
looked at the six pints, did a swift burst of mental arithmetic,
arrived at an answer he liked and grinned a stupid hopeful grin
at them.

"Get off," said Aragorn, "They're ours," giving him a look that
would have an Isengard Suntiger get on with what it was doing.

Aragorn slapped a five-pound note on the bar. He said, "Keep the
change."

"What, from a fiver? Thank you sir."

"You've got ten minutes left to spend it."

Butterbar simply decided to walk away for a bit.

"Aragorn," said Frodo, "would you please tell me what the hell is
going on?"

"Drink up," said Aragorn, "you've got three pints to get through."

"Three pints?" said Frodo. "At lunchtime?"

The man next to Aragorn grinned and nodded happily. Aragorn ignored him. He said, "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."

"Very deep," said Frodo, "you should send that in to the Middle Earth
Digest. They've got a page for people like you."

"Drink up."

"Why three pints all of a sudden?"

"Muscle relaxant, you'll need it."

"Muscle relaxant?"

"Muscle relaxant."

Frodo stared into his beer.

"Did I do anything wrong today," he said, "or has the world
always been like this and I've been too wrapped up in myself to
notice?"

"Alright," said Aragorn, "I'll try to explain. How long have we
known each other?"

"How long?" Frodo thought. "Er, about five minutes, maybe six," he
said. "Most of it seemed to make some sense at the time."

"Alright," said Aragorn. "How would you react if I said that I'm not
from Bree after all, but from a small place somewhere in
the vicinity of The Ettenmoors?"
Frodo shrugged in a so-so sort of way.

"I don't know," he said, taking a pull of beer. "Why - do you
think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say?"

Aragorn gave up. It really wasn't worth bothering at the moment,
what with the world being about to end. He just said:

"Drink up."

He added, perfectly factually:

"The world's about to end."

Frodo gave the rest of the pub another wan smile. The rest of
the pub frowned at him. A man waved at him to stop smiling at
them and mind his own business.

"This must be Thursday," said Frodo musing to himself, sinking
low over his beer, "I never could get the hang of Thursdays."






(BTW Its Viggos 46th Birthday today Happy Birthday Aragorn)

Re: LOTR/Hitchhiker's Guide

Very nice! That could be taken to novel length, couldn't it? Frightening thought. :)

"Look", said Denethor, "would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?"

All right, said Gandalf, "I'll try to explain. How long have we known each other?"
"How long?" Frodo thought. "Er, about five years, maybe six," he said. "Most of it seemed to make some sense at the time."

Aragorn to Gimli:
"Eowyn?" he said. "She's just a kid. Cute, yeah, but temperamental. You know how it is with women. Or perhaps you don't. I assume you don't. If you do I don't want to hear about it."

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre", Frodo muttered to himself, "and that I am therefore excused from saving Middle Earth."

After being captured by Faramir:
Frodo and Sam decided just to relax and be harrowed.


After a while an animal- a rabbit perhaps - would appear from out of the trees and watch him cautiously. Sam would continue to smile at it, his eyes would soften and shine, and he would seem to radiate a deep and universal love, a love which reached out to embrace all of creation. A wonderful quietness would decend on the surrounding countryside, peacefull and serene, eminating from this transfigured hobbit. Slowly the rabbit would approch, step by step, until it was almost nuzzling him, whereupon Samwise Gamgee would reach out to it and break it's neck.

He had read somewhere that the Hobbits had over two hundred different words for pipe weed, without which their conversation would probably have got very monotonous.

About Boromir:
"How reliable is he?" asked Elrond in a sinking voice.
"How reliable?" said Gandalf. He gave a hollow laugh. "How shallow is the ocean?" he said. "How cold is the sun?"

OK I'll stop now.. as I'm probably only amusing myself.

Hah! Those are great. Especially love Sam killing the rabbit. :)

Far back in the mists of ancient time, int the great and glorious days of the former Alliance, life was wild, rich and largely death free. Mighty warriors plied their way between exotic lands, seeking adventure and reward among the farthest reaches of Middle Earth. In those days the men were real men, elves were real elves, and small furry creatures from the Shire were real small furry creatures from the Shire. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldy split infinitives that no man had split before- and thus was the Alliance of Men and Elves formed.

* * *
a reference to The Hobbit
outside of Moria or the dragon's layer I forget which
"You're crazy, Dotho," he was saying, "Moria is a myth, a fairy story, it's what parents tell their kids when they want them to grow up to be mine shaft planners, it's..."
"And thats what we're standing in front of,"

* * *
At Aragorn and Frodo's meeting in Bree
"You chose a cold night to visit our dead town," he said
"Who...Who are you?" stammered Frodo.
The man looked away. Again a look of sadness seemed to cross his face.
"My name is not important," he said
He seemed to have something on his mind. Conversation was clearly something he felt he didn't have to rush at. Frodo felt awkward.
* * *
Just because I couldn't resist it:
"Pippin wake up!"
"Mmmmmmmmwwwwwwwwwwwwwerrrrr?"
"Hey, come on, wake up."
"Just let me stick to what I'm good at, yeah?" muttered Pippin, and rolled away from the voice back to sleep.
"Do you want me to kick you?" said Merry
"Would it give you a lot of pleasure?" Pippin asked blearily
"No"
"Nor me. So what's the point? Stop bugging me." Pippin curled himself up. "And stop talking it's hard enough trying to sleep anyway. What's the matter with the ground? It's all hard and nobby."
"It's Treebeard's lair"

Denethor's eyes narrowed and became what are known in the Shouting and Killing People trade as cold slits, the idea presumable being to give your opponent the impression that you have lost your glasses or are having difficulty keeping awake. Why this is frightening is an, as yet, unresolved problem.

Nobody expects the Rohan expedition?

(At the entrance to that one mountain with all the ghosts in it I forget the name)
Legolas: Er, hey, Dwarfman...
Gimli: Gimli.
Legolas: Yeah, could you just sort of keep this robot with you and guard this end of the passageway. Okay?
Gimli: Guard? What from? You just said there's no one here.
Legolas: Yeah, well, just for safety, okay?
Gimli: Whose safety, yours or mine?
Legolas: Good lad. Okay, here we go.
*Scrambles down the slope*
Gimli: Well I hope you all have a really misrable time.

"Twenty rings of power!" Yelled Elrond. "Is that all you have to show for seven and a half million years' work?"
"I checked it very thouroughly," said Suaron, "and that is quite definately the answer. The problem, to be quite honest with you, is that you've never actually understood what the question is."

"LIFE!" exclaimed the Witch King. "Don't talk to me about life!"