Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, condensed, Part One (of Two)
Okay. I'm not done yet--I've only parodied the first 21 chapters; 9 to go!--but you can have the first 16. It's turning out much longer than my LOTR film parodies, anyway, so half is enough to read in one sitting. Will try to get the rest done within a week or so.

Yes, you can link to it. Yes, you can friend me. Yes, you can repost it elsewhere, as long as you keep my name on it--but for the love of mercy, put it under an LJ-cut. No, you can't change or add a few lines and put your own name on it as an author. No, you can't pretend you wrote the whole thing. You will be caught. My loyal minions will find you and make you wish you had never discovered the web.

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE, CONDENSED, PART ONE (OF TWO)
By Molly Winter (a.k.a. Molly J. Ringle, LemonLye, MollyRingwraith, etc.)

Warning: contains SPOILERS (duh) and some jokes of maybe a PG-13 nature.

CHAPTER ONE

MUGGLE PRIME MINISTER'S OFFICE

CORNELIUS FUDGE leaps out of the fireplace.
FUDGE: Evening!
PRIME MINISTER: Oh, good God, no.
FUDGE: You remember me, right? Magic, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Harry Potter, Hogwarts, Triwizard Tournament, Sirius Black, don't know why I'm still talking since the readers know all this, bringing us to the recent murders and mayhem, which are really Voldemort's fault.
PRIME MINISTER: Right. So...you'll take care of that?
FUDGE: Can't, sorry! Been sacked. I sell sticky buns at Victoria Station now. Talk to this bloke instead.
FUDGE leaves. RUFUS SCRIMGEOUR leaps out of the fireplace.
SCRIMGEOUR: Hallo. Like he said, we've got it all under control. Only, we don't, really. Toodleloo!
SCRIMGEOUR vanishes. PRIME MINISTER collapses into his chair.
PRIME MINISTER: They said to me in the '60s, "Tony, you oughtn't drop acid if you want a future in politics," but did I listen? Oh, no...

Also, "sight" is misspelled "site" on page 10, causing glee among NITPICKERS everywhere.

CHAPTER TWO

SOME GRIMY NEIGHBORHOOD IN ENGLAND

BELLATRIX laser-zaps a fox, just to be evil, then continues chasing NARCISSA MALFOY down the street, the two of them keeping up a steady stream of "Should so!", "Should not!", "Should so!", "Should not!", while READERS wonder what the hell they are thinking of doing or not doing. They knock on a door. SNAPE opens it.
BELLATRIX: Trick or treat!
SNAPE: I hate you both. Come in.
NARCISSA: I have a favor to ask.
BELLATRIX: But since we're here, Snape, tell us how come you've managed not to kill Harry Potter, or find out anything useful about Dumbledore, or really do anything evil except sneer at everybody for the last five years. Are you truly Dark, or are you just an outgrown Goth kid?
SNAPE: Me and the Dark Lord, we're like *this*. (doing the two-fingers-close-together thing) That's all you need to know. So, your favor, Narcissa?
NARCISSA: My poor, sweet, innocent son Draco needs help completing The Plan. Do you know about The Plan?
SNAPE: Of course I know about The Plan.
READERS: You could fill us in on The Plan.
NARCISSA: Promise me you'll help.
SNAPE: Okay.
BELLATRIX: I dare you to make the Unbreakable Vow over it.
SNAPE: Fine.
BELLATRIX sets an Unbreakable Vow around their wrists while SNAPE vows to carry out The Plan if DRACO fails.
READERS: Hm. Well, I'm sure he'll find a way to wriggle out of that.

CHAPTER THREE

DURSLEYS' HOUSE

DUMBLEDORE knocks on the front door.
UNCLE VERNON: What the--
DUMBLEDORE: Hello. Ready to go, Harry? By the way, you inherited Sirius's house and all his things, including Kreacher. Give it a whirl.
HARRY: I summon Kreacher.
KREACHER appears, freaks out the DURSLEYS, and throws a hissy fit. HARRY dismisses him.
DUMBLEDORE: Excellent. Oh, by the way, Dursleys, you have to let Harry come back here at least one more time for complicated enchantment reasons, or else he might get murdered, and then I'll be just the teensiest bit angry. Understood?
The DURSLEYS splutter.
DUMBLEDORE: Capital. Let's go, Harry.

CHAPTER FOUR

VILLAGE OF BUDLEIGH BABBERTON

DUMBLEDORE: I prefer raspberry jam.
HARRY: Is that going to be relevant later?
DUMBLEDORE: Not really. Also, Inferi are dead bodies brought back to life by dark magic.
HARRY: Okay. And will that be relevant later?
DUMBLEDORE: It might be.
They knock on SLUGHORN's door.
SLUGHORN: Dumbledore, you skinny-assed piece of--oh, hello! You bring celebrity! Do come in.
DUMBLEDORE: Please come back and teach at Hogwarts, Slughorn.
SLUGHORN: No way.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, fine. I'll leave you two to talk for a minute.
SLUGHORN: Well, my boy, I tell you, it's fascinating: not only did I know Sirius Black, your parents, and everyone else from that generation, but I'm also a Slytherin who isn't completely loathsome.
HARRY: I admit, that is remarkable.
DUMBLEDORE: Time to leave. Too bad you won't work for me, Slughorn.
SLUGHORN: I can't stand it when you beg! I cave. I'll come back.
DUMBLEDORE: Cheers, old friend. Come, Harry: time to take you to Ron's house. By the way, it's totally okay if you tell Ron and Hermione about the prophecy and everything.
HARRY: It is?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes. You'd be lost without their help. We all know that.
HARRY: Uh...
DUMBLEDORE: Oops, did I say that out loud?

CHAPTER FIVE

THE BURROW

MRS. WEASLEY: Harry! Eat, for the love of God, eat!
HARRY eats. There is a knock at the door.
MRS. WEASLEY: Come in, Arthur.
MR. WEASLEY: (through the door) No, you have to ask the security question.
MRS. WEASLEY: Well, all right... What is your dearest ambition?
MR. WEASLEY: To find out why sticking a fork in a toaster is a bad idea. My turn: what do I call you in bed?
HARRY chokes, and quickly stuffs bread in his ears.
MRS. WEASLEY: Mollywollykins? Hotmuffin? Jezebel? Dear, I'm sorry, I forget which one was the password...
HARRY: Right, I'm going upstairs.
NEXT MORNING. RON and HERMIONE have climbed onto HARRY's bed to wake him up.
HARRY: Gosh. Hello...
HERMIONE: Morning. Just making sure you're all right. Hey, Ginny, join in!
GINNY crawls onto the bed too. Before HARRY gets a chance to appreciate this, FLEUR glides into the room. She knocks the other three off the bed and plants a kiss on HARRY.
FLEUR: *mwah!* Oh Arry, eet eez so long seence I 'ave caressed your ears wiz my outrageous French ac-cent! And I would get eento bed wiz you right now, as your friends all do, but I am marrying Bill! Eezn't it wonderfool?
MRS. WEASLEY: Over my dead body, you are! Er...I mean...yes, she is, isn't that nice?
MRS. WEASLEY, FLEUR, and GINNY leave.
HARRY: Wow, I need a smoke after that.
RON: Me too.
HERMIONE: Ahem!
HARRY: Sorry--um, as I was saying...Dumbledore's giving me private lessons this year.
HERMIONE: How nice.
HARRY: And there's this prophecy saying either Voldemort has to kill me or vice-versa.
HERMIONE: Yeah, kinda figured.
HARRY: Oh, and I think we're getting our O.W.L. results today.
HERMIONE: OH MY GOD WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME??
HERMIONE runs flailing out of the room.

CHAPTER SIX

HARRY: Neat, I'm the Quidditch captain.
HERMIONE: (and I quote) That gives you equal status with prefects! You can use our special bathroom now and everything!
STEAMY FANFIC WRITERS OF MANY VARIETIES: (taking notes) How handy.

DIAGON ALLEY

DRACO is fussing with fabrics in the dress shop.
DRACO: Mummy, I don't WANT these robes; they're not posh enough!
RON, HERMIONE, and HARRY come strutting down the aisle, wands out, snapping their fingers in unison.
DRACO and NARCISSA: Sharks!
RON, HERMIONE, and HARRY: Jets!
DRACO and NARCISSA snarl, do a couple of pirouettes, and leap out of the shop. The GRYFFINDORS turn up their collars and do a few smooth spins, then skip off to FRED and GEORGE's Game Shop/Casino/Strip Club.
FRED: Whatever you do, don't mess with our love potions. They work dangerously well.
SHIPPERS OF EVEN MORE VARIETIES: (scribbling notes) Sweet!
DRACO walks by. RON, HERMIONE, and HARRY start stalking him. He goes into Borgin's Dark Side R Us.
DRACO: (to BORGIN) I'm here about the Thing. You know, like the other Thing we talked about. And you better fix the Thing, you hear? Or a really dark Thing is going to happen to you! By which I mean a different Thing, other than the two Things I came here about! Which are bigger than a breadbox and too shocking for me to carry down the street!
HARRY: Oh, I get it--Charades. I want to play! Hey, Draco, how many syllables?

CHAPTER SEVEN

KING'S CROSS STATION

HARRY: I think Draco Malfoy's a Death Eater.
HERMIONE and RON: Pfft. Whatever.
HARRY: Mr. Weasley? I think Draco Malfoy's a Death Eater.
MR. WEASLEY: Nah, I doubt it. Don't miss the train!
The kids get on the Hogwarts Express. HARRY ends up sitting with NEVILLE and LUNA.
HARRY: Hi Luna. Still crazy?
LUNA: Yep.
HARRY: Neville? Still nebbishy?
NEVILLE: Yep.
HARRY: Good good.
HARRY gets handed a note from SLUGHORN.
HARRY: Tea party in Slughorn's compartment. Huh.
He goes to the tea party.
SLUGHORN: This is pretty much a tea party for those students likeliest to be rich and famous in the future. Why? Because I excel at sucking up.
HARRY: (yawn) I'd rather stalk Draco again.
He does so, under the Invisibility Cloak, and slips into DRACO's Compartment o' Fawning Slytherins.
SLYTHERINS: Whatcha gonna do this year, Draco?
DRACO: Whatever I *feel* like doing. God. ...And it might involve serving the Dark Lord, just a teensy bit.
SLYTHERINS: Ooooh! Cool!
Train arrives at Hogwarts. SLYTHERINS exit. DRACO whips around and freezes HARRY, who falls off the luggage rack and loses his cloak. DRACO steps on HARRY's face, hard.
DRACO: Loser.
DRACO leaves HARRY on the floor to choke on his own blood.
HARRY/DRACO SHIPPERS: OMG they're so in love!!!!

CHAPTER EIGHT

HOGWARTS

HARRY: ...ow...
DEPRESSED!TONKS: Wotcher, Harry.
DEPRESSED!TONKS gets HARRY off the train and fixes his nose.
HARRY: Thanks.
DEPRESSED!TONKS: (heavy sigh) Yeah, no problem. Well, bye.
SNAPE lets HARRY into the castle.
SNAPE: White shoes after Labor Day, Potter? Fifty points from Gryffindor.
HARRY stomps over to the Gryffindor table.
HERMIONE: Harry, you've missed so much! There was dinner and the Sorting Hat and Dumbledore's hand is all burnt and--
HARRY: Shut up and give me chocolate.
DUMBLEDORE: Everyone, this is Professor Slughorn, the new Potions master! And Defense Against the Dark Arts this year will be taught by Professor Snape.
GRYFFINDORS: Holy good goddamn.
READERS grin and start exchanging wager money.
DUMBLEDORE: Also, remember Voldemort is back, so there's danger. Danger danger danger. Don't go outside if possible. In fact, stay in bed all the time if you can.
SHIPPERS grin even wider.

CHAPTER NINE

The GRYFFINDORS get their class schedules from MCGONAGALL. LAVENDER giggles in RON's direction. SNAPE demonstrates a spell against HARRY in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and HARRY knocks SNAPE on his ass, earning himself detention. In Potions, HARRY notices he really likes some flowery smell he associates with the WEASLEYS' house. (One of the WEASLEYS, like FANFIC!FRODO, must use lavender bath oil.)
SLUGHORN: Everyone get out your Potions book.
HARRY: I don't have one.
SLUGHORN: Here, take this one from the cupboard.
HARRY: Sweet. It has the answers written in the margins.
HERMIONE: No fair! I looked all over eBay and couldn't find a teacher's edition!
HARRY: It isn't a teacher's edition. Says, "Property of the Half-Blood Prince." Hmm.
SOME READERS: OMG it's Voldemort!!!
ALL OTHER READERS: OMG that would be too obvious, you halfwits!!!
SLUGHORN: Also, this gold potion is Felix Felicis, which is Lucky Drink. And Harry wins it for making the best potion in the room!
HERMIONE: (to HARRY) I hate you. Cheat cheat cheat.
GINNY wanders up. HARRY's nose twitches at the bewitching flowery smell.
HARRY: Hi, cutie. Did I tell you I won some Get Lucky potion? Er, I mean "Lucky." Just "Lucky." I'm a perfect gentleman. Really.

CHAPTER TEN

DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, it's time you learned why Voldemort tried to kill you when you were a baby.
HARRY: Because he thought I would grow up to kill him. Because of the prophecy. Right?
DUMBLEDORE: Well...yes...that's pretty much it. But this is interesting, so stick your head in the Pensieve with me.

WOODS NEAR LITTLE HANGLETON

Some old-tyme Ministry of Magic bloke named OGDEN is trudging up to a shack in the woods. There is a dead snake nailed to the door, which we must admit is pretty gross. MORFIN slouches out.
MORFIN: You sure do got a purdy mouth.
OGDEN: Yes, er, see here: you're under arrest. Ow! No using wands! Look, you--
GAUNT slouches out too.
GAUNT: That thar's Morfin, my son.
A girl wearing rags peeps out.
GAUNT: And this here's Merope, my daughter.
MORFIN: She loooovvves a Muggle. She loooovvves Tom Riddle.
OGDEN: Yes, that's all very well, but you're under arrest, see, for torturing a Muggle.
GAUNT: Well, were it the Muggle my filthy daughter's lusting after?
OGDEN: Yup Dad, it sure were.
GAUNT: Then we ain't got no problem, do we? 'Cept as I may have to strangle my daughter.
OGDEN runs off as the family settles their disputes.

BACK IN DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE

HARRY: Okay, so, long story short: filthy backwoods witch Merope used a love potion on Tom Riddle senior, and ended up getting pregnant and having Voldemort, a.k.a. Tom Riddle junior?
DUMBLEDORE: Righto.
HARRY: And...am I supposed to feel sorry for Voldemort now or something?
DUMBLEDORE: Nope, just thought it was interesting.
HARRY: By the way, this ring over here...wasn't Gaunt wearing it in that memory?
DUMBLEDORE: Sure was.
HARRY: So how come you have it?
DUMBLEDORE: Can't stick around chatting; bye now.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

QUIDDITCH PITCH

HARRY: As 813 people have shown up to try out for Gryffindor's Quidditch team this year, let's get started. By the way, you have to actually *be* in Gryffindor.
A few hundred APPLICANTS grumble and sit down.
HARRY: Let's see, need a few pretty girls on the team, so we'll take Katie, Demelza, and naturally you, Ginny sweets. Okay, suppose some boys would be good too. Jimmy, Ritchie, and...
CORMAC MCLAGGEN: Me! Me! I'm so bloody awesome you can't stand it!
HARRY: You're right; I can't stand it. Ron, you're Keeper.
RON: Yay!
HARRY: (pulling HERMIONE aside) Um, you totally jinxed McLaggen so he would suck, didn't you.
HERMIONE: Oh, fine, I did, but Ron needed it! Don't tell him. He's insecure enough, what with me giving Victor Krum a helping hand the other year.
HARRY: With--WHAT??
HERMIONE: I helped Victor with his English. Remember? What did you think I meant?

CHAPTER TWELVE

HARRY, like all normal 16-year-olds, is reading his Potions book in bed. He finds a handwritten spell, and decides to try it on RON.
HARRY: (nonverbally, since he's special that way now) Levicorpus!
RON flies up into the air upside-down, yelling.
HARRY: Neato!
HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE go to Hogsmeade. They find MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER selling SIRIUS's stuff, and they get mad at him. On their way home they see KATIE BELL grab a necklace from her friend and then rise up into the air, screaming.
HARRY: Okay, who just pulled a "Levicorpus"? Come on, admit it. ...No one? Oh, crap.
They end up in MCGONAGALL'S office explaining what happened.
HARRY: It was Malfoy who gave her the necklace! I know it! Malfoy's a Death Eater, I tell you!
MCGONAGALL: Get over it, Mr. Potter. He was here in detention with me.
HARRY: Then Crabbe! Or Goyle! Or someone!
MCGONAGALL: Mr. Weasley, Miss Granger, take Harry out and find him a new hobby, would you, please?
RON and HERMIONE: Yes, Professor.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

As usual, the real action doesn't take place till five or six pages into the chapter, so jumping to that...

BACK IN THE PENSIEVE

YOUNG DUMBLEDORE is strolling down a street, in a plum velvet suit, which HARRY, to his credit, pokes fun at. YOUNG DUMBLEDORE knocks on the door of a very Dickensian orphanage, and gets shown into the office of MRS. COLE--who, like all good Dickensian orphanage keepers, hits the gin pretty heavy.
YOUNG DUMBLEDORE: Hallo! I'm here to fetch Tom Riddle.
MRS. COLE: (hiccup) You're welcome to him. Tad odd, that one.
YOUNG DUMBLEDORE: Oh? How so?
MRS. COLE: Hung someone's rabbit from the rafters...lured two kids into a cave and they were insane when they came out...has a "666" birthmark on his scalp...made a website about how he's going to kill us all...the usual stuff for boys his age.
YOUNG DUMBLEDORE: Yes. Er. How about I chat with him a bit?
He gets shown into TOM's room.
YOUNG DUMBLEDORE: Hi Tom. I want you to come to wizarding school. Did you know you're magic?
TOM: Ah. That would explain why I can make squirrels attack people.
YOUNG DUMBLEDORE: Check out what you'll be able to do when we give you one of these.
YOUNG DUMBLEDORE points his wand at TOM's wardrobe. It bursts into flames.
TOM: Awesome. Sign me up.

DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE

HARRY: Gee, that was a good idea. Train Lord Voldemort to use magic *even better*.
DUMBLEDORE: At the time, I thought he was just misunderstood. Hoped he might start a shoegazer band or something. I'm a little tired of having no magic rock groups except the Weird Sisters, aren't you?

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

HERBOLOGY GREENHOUSE

HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE snap on their protection, which involves gloves and gum shields.
HARRY: See this long, pulsating pod? Think we're supposed to squeeze.
HERMIONE: Here. I'll try it.
RON: Ow! Not so hard!
HERMIONE: Well, if you weren't such a wimp--
RON: Oh, would you rather be doing this with McLaggen? Is that it?
HERMIONE: No, you git, I want you! Hold still so I can squeeze!
RON: Me? Really, you want me?...yeah, like that...squeeze like that...that's good; you're always so good at...classes...Hermione...
HARRY: Ugh. Professor Sprout, can I get some new partners before I throw up?

GRYFFINDOR TOWER

HARRY and RON round a corner to find DEAN and GINNY with their tongues enmeshed. A sticking spell seems to have nothing to do with it. HARRY's vision turns red, and he punches a hole in the nearest wall. RON is too overpowered by his own fury to notice.
RON: You filthy whore of Babylon! You centerfold hussy! You--you--I'll tell Mom!!
GINNY: Oh, get over it! We all do it except you! Harry and Cho did that thing with custard last year, and everyone knows Hermione gave Viktor a helping hand, and I won't even tell you what I've seen Trelawney and Flitwick doing because I know you'd only faint.
RON: (to HARRY) Hermione...Viktor...really?
HARRY: (staring at GINNY's cleavage) Yeah...yeah, I think so...whatever you say.

NEXT EVENING

RON: Wooo! We won at Quidditch!
HERMIONE: Only because Harry spiked your drink with Felix Felicis.
HARRY: Actually, I didn't.
RON: Thanks anyway for believing in me, you two-timing slut.
RON flips his hair (which will be entirely possible, at the rate his hair is growing), stalks across the room, and starts making out with LAVENDER.
HERMIONE: Well! In that case I--I'm just going to--conjure up some magical canaries, and chuck them at his head!
HARRY: Good choice. Hey, have you seen Ginny around?

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

HARRY wanders out of Transfiguration with a bright yellow eyebrow.
HARRY: Damn, Ginny's still seeing Dean. Who should I ask to Slughorn's Christmas party?
ROMILDA VANE: Me! Me! Me! Here, have some chocolates. I swear they're not laced with love potions.
HARRY: Yeah...thanks. Hey, Luna! How about you?
LUNA: Sure, I'll come. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow? Should I do mine too? [That was too funny; I couldn't improve on it.]

SLUGHORN'S PARTY

Much merriment occurs. For instance:
MCLAGGEN: C'mere, Hermione, let me lick you under the mistletoe.
HERMIONE: Ew! No way, not unless Ron's watching.
TRELAWNEY: (hiccup) Can't believe I hafta...share Divination...with a *horse*.
SNAPE: Doing well at Potions, Potter? How very suspicious.
LUNA: Aurors are conspiring with werewolves, you know, to bring down the Ministry through gingivitis and soft-rock ballads.
FILCH: (holding DRACO by the ear) Arr! I caught this boy gate-crashing!
SNAPE: I'll take care of it.
SNAPE hauls DRACO off. HARRY throws on the old Invisibility Cloak and follows them.
SNAPE: You're not doing very well with The Plan, boy.
DRACO: Stay out of it! You get in the way of all my bonding with the Dark Lord!
SNAPE: Let me help. I'm slightly smarter than Crabbe and Goyle.
DRACO: No! Don't wanna! It's my Plan, my glory, mine, my own!
SNAPE: Can't you hear yourself? Don't you know who you sound like?
DRACO storms off.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

THE BURROW

HARRY: I was right, I was right, I was right, I was sooooo right.
RON: Shut it already.
HARRY: I was right about Snape too.
RON: Not necessarily.
DEPRESSED!LUPIN: Dumbledore trusts him. Good enough.
HARRY: By the way, why are you depressed?
DEPRESSED!LUPIN: Been hanging out with other werewolves. The kind who want to kill normal people.
HARRY: You're normal; you just have a ...problem.
DEPRESSED!LUPIN: (and I quote) Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my "furry little problem" in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.
HARRY: Uh...yeah. I'm sure that's what they thought. Rather than anything extremely kinky or weird.
PERCY: Merry Christmas, Mother. No no, don't get excited. I only came because the Prime Minister wants to see Harry.
SCRIMGEOUR: You want to boost morale, don't you, Harry?
HARRY: Er...
SCRIMGEOUR: Want to live up to this "Chosen One" stuff? Get wined, dined, stand by the Ministry, meet pretty girls?
HARRY: What was that bit about standing by the Ministry?
SCRIMGEOUR: Knew you would! Great!
HARRY: Um, nope. In fact, I'd rather kiss Aragog. Bye bye, now.

[Edit: Now finished: Part Two is here.]