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Is This a Kissing Book? (Done proper, by Øystein Bech Gadmar)

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Is This a Kissing Book? (Done proper, by Øystein Bech Gadmar)

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Hobbit hole - John Howe
You may remember, a while back, I received an LOTR/Princess Bride parody crossover from DeVee, and posted it here. Many of us added our own funny quotes, though it was never quite put into any particular order. Well, Øystein Bech Gadmar just emailed me this--the full LOTR film trilogy script, as told through Princess Bride quotations. This is pretty much total brilliance. I'll post it as the talented ØBG sent it:

Is This A Kissing Book?

This is a Lord of the Rings/Princess Bride crossover parody written originally by DeVee 2003–2004, expanded on by Molly J. Ringle (aka MollyRingwraith) and the patrons of her board at livejournal.com – and finally written up by Øystein Bech Gadmar 2005.

The Fellowship of the Ring

PETER JACKSON: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up:

Dagorlad, 3000 years ago:
SAURON [swipes away a host of soldiers by magic]: I did that on purpose. I didn’t have to miss you.
ISILDUR: I believe you. ... So, what happens now?
SAURON: We face each other as Eru intended; sportsman-like. No tricks, huge weapons, skill against skill alone.
ISILDUR: You mean, you’ll put down your magic and I’ll put down my host, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people?
SAURON: I could kill you now?
ISILDUR: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
SAURON: It’s not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don’t even exercise.
SAURON [swings at ISILDUR, but misses]: You’re quick!
ISILDUR: Good thing too.
SAURON [knocks ISILDUR back against a boulder]: I just feared you would give me so much trouble.
ISILDUR: Why is that, do you think?
SAURON: Well, I haven’t fought just one person for so long. ... I’ve been specializing in groups, fighting armies for dominion of Middle-Earth ... that kind of thing.
ISILDUR: Why should that make such a [cuts off SAURON’S ring hand] difference?
SAURON: You see, you use different moves when you’re fighting half a thousand people, then when you only have to worry ... about ... one. [dies]
ISILDUR: Soldier, are there Orcs ahead?
SOLDIER: If there are, we’ll all be dead!

A torture chamber in Mordor, some time ago:
GOLLUM: So it’s to be torture then? I can cope with torture. Don’t believe me?
ORC: You survived the Dagorlad, you must be very brave, but nobody withstands The Machine.
ORC: I’ve just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don’t know what that would do to you. So, let’s just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?
GOLLUM: Baggins! Shire!
ORC: Interesting.

Hobbiton, now:
FRODO: Gardener!
SAM: Yes, master Frodo?
FRODO: Come with me to Mordor?
SAM: As you wish.

GANDALF: To the death!
SARUMAN: No! To the pain!
GANDALF: I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase...
SARUMAN: Drop. Your. Staff.
[staff flies through the air]
SARUMAN: Have a seat.

The Inn of the Prancing Pony:
STRIDER: I am waiting for Gandalf! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I’ll stay. I will not be moved.
STRIDER: I do not mean to pry, but you don’t by any chance happen to have a Ring of Power on your right hand?
FRODO: Do you always begin conversations this way?
HOBBITS: Who are you?
STRIDER: No one of consequence.
HOBBITS: We must know.
STRIDER: Get used to disappointment.

SARUMAN: Form a brute squad then! I want Fangorn Forest emptied before I send out the army.
ORC: It won’t be easy, Sire.
SARUMAN: Try ruling Middle-Earth sometime.

ELROND: Who is he? Another elf like that one? Pretty, rich and fair?
ARWEN: No. A ranger. Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm.
ELROND: Ewiw jewewly. Ewiw jewewly is what bwings us together today...
ARAGORN: Fellowship! Say Fellowship!
ELROND: I pwonownce you The Fewwowship of the Wing!
ARAGORN: Finally! Boromir, keep an eye on Frodo. Legolas, come with me!

ARAGORN: Give Frodo back the ring. I mean it!
BOROMIR: Does anybody want a peanut?

GANDALF: We’ll reach the gate by dawn. ... Why are you doing that?
FRODO: Making sure nobody’s following us.
GANDALF: That would be inconceivable.
FRODO: Are you sure nobody is following us?
GANDALF: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Mordor knows what we’ve done, and no one in Isengard could have gotten here so fast.
GANDALF: Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
FRODO: Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
GANDALF: What?! ... Probably some local Riverfolksman … out for a pleasure stroll ... at night ... through goblin-infested caverns!

ORC: Finish him. Finish him, your way.
CAVE TROLL: Oh good, my way. Thank you, Orc. ... Which one is my way?
ORC: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder. In a few minutes the hobbit will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock.
CAVE TROLL: My way’s not very sportsmanlike.
LEGOLAS: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.
GANDALF: I am going to duel the Balrog left-handed.
ARAGORN: You know what a hurry we’re in!
GANDALF: It is the only way that I can be satisfied. Fighting is my right. It’d be over too quickly.
ARAGORN: Oh, have it your way.

SARUMAN [to URUK-HAI]: I’ve hired you to help me start a war. It’s a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.

Parth Galen:
SAM [to himself]: Go on! Get after him!
SAM [drowning]: I don’t swim. I only dog paddle.
FRODO [pulls SAM into his boat]: I suppose you think you’re very brave.
SAM: Only compared to some.
ARAGORN: There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over.
LEGOLAS: Who won? How did it end?
ARAGORN: One hobbit ran off alone, and the other followed his footprints toward Mordor.
LEGOLAS: Shall we track them?
ARAGORN: They must have seen the orcs closing in, which might account for their panicking into error. Unless I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong, they are headed straight into the Dead Marshes. Only Merry and Pippin can be helped now. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Isengard! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.

The Two Towers

BALROG: You seem like a decent wizard. I hate to kill you.
GANDALF: You seem like a decent Balrog. I hate to die.
GANDALF: Why won’t my arms move?
GANDALF: I’ve been mostly dead all day.

Emyn Muil:
FRODO: He’s climbing down the cliffside ... and he’s gaining on us!
SAM: Inconceivable! ... Faster!!
SAM: He’s got very good arms.
FRODO: He didn’t fall? Inconceivable!
SAM: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
GOLLUM: Have you the Wing?
SAM: Kill him quickly.
FRODO [to GOLLUM]: I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as a creature like yourself. However, since I can’t have you following me either..
FRODO [to SAM]: Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.
GOLLUM: If you’re in such a hurry, you could take this rope off or find something useful to do.
FRODO: I could do that.
SAM: But I do not think we should accept your help, since you are only waiting around to kill us.
FRODO: That does put a damper on our relationship.
GOLLUM: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach Mordor.
SAM: That’s very comforting, but I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait.
GOLLUM: I hate waiting. I’ll give you my word as one of the River-folk.
SAM: No good. I’ve known too many River-folk.
GOLLUM: Is there not any way you will trust me?
SAM: Nothing comes to mind.
GOLLUM: I swear on the Preciouss. You will reach Mordor alive.
FRODO: Sam, untie the rope.

PIPPIN: I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take us. There is no greater hunter than Aragorn. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
URUK-HAI: You think your dearest love will save you?
PIPPIN: I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will save me. That I know.
ARAGORN: A leaf of Lorien. I’d bet my life on it. And there are the Uruk-Hai’s footprints. They’re alive, or were an hour ago. If they are otherwise when I find them, I shall be very put out.
EOMER: I tell you once again, surrender!
GIMLI: It will not happen.
EOMER: For the last time, surrender!
LEGOLAS and GIMLI: Death first!
ARAGORN: Do you promise not to hurt them?
LEGOLAS and GIMLI: What was that?
ARAGORN: If we surrender, and I introduce you, do you promise not to hurt my friends?
EOMER: May I live a thousand years and never hunt orcs again!

Fangorn Forest:
MERRY: It’s not that bad... Well, I’m not saying I’d like to build a hobbit hole here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.
PIPPIN: We’ll never succeed. We may as well die here.
MERRY: No, no, we have already succeeded! I mean, what are the three terrors of Fangorn Forest? One, the orc that followed us in here. We already lost him. Two, the hobbit-eating trees which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
PIPPIN: Merry, what about the T.O.U.S.’s?
MERRY: Treeherders Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.
MERRY: Now, where is that secret knot? It’s impossible to find. [click]

The Dead Marshes:
GOLLUM: Do you know what that sound is, hobbit? Those are the shrieking Nazgul. If you don’t believe me, just wait! They always grow louder when they’re about to feed on Ringbearer flesh.

Fangorn Forest:
LEGOLAS: A diversion!
ARAGORN: It’s possible, pig. It might be a diversion.
ARAGORN: Who are you!?
GANDALF: I’m no one to be trifled with. That’s all you ever need know.
ARAGORN: You were dead.
GANDALF: Death cannot stop true wizards. All it can do is delay them for a while.
ARAGORN: I will never doubt again.
GANDALF: There will never be a need.

SARUMAN [through THEODEN]: There’s nothing to explain. You’re trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
GANDALF: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wizardry.
SARUMAN [through THEODEN]: For the King? To the exorcism? I accept!
ARAGORN: You have some skill with a blade.
EOWYN: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro.
ARAGORN: Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro. Don’t you?
GANDALF: No, I said, "Look to the east on the fifth morning." Rush a miracle man and you get rotten miracles!

Ithilien cave:
FARAMIR: The steward’s stinking eldest son got promoted rather than me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it.
GOLLUM/SMEAGOL: You mock my pain!
FARAMIR: Life is pain, creep. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

ARWEN: Any word of Aragorn?
ELROND: Too soon, my angel. Patience.
ARWEN: He will become king.
ELROND: Of course. [To himself] She will not become mortal!

Merry and Pippin riding Treebeard to Isengard:
MERRY: Pippin, you did something right.
PIPPIN: Don’t worry. I won’t let it go to my head.

GOLLUM: Good night, hobbitses. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

The Return of the King

The Flooded Grounds of Isengard:
MERRY: Yeah, Longbottom Leaf is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. They’re so perky. I love that.
LEGOLAS: Shall I dispatch Saruman for you?
GANDALF: No. Whatever happens, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.

PIPPIN: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.
SAURON: It has worked! You’ve given everything away! I know where the hobbit is!

En Route to The Grey Havens:
VISION: Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!
ARWEN: Why do you do this?
VISION: Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up! Your true love lives, and you sail off to Valinor! True love saved her from a lonely immortal life, and she treated it like garbage. And that’s what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo! [ARWEN wakes up]
NARRATOR: It was ten days till they sailed. The king-to-be still lived, but Arwen’s health was becoming steadily worse.

ARWEN: Ada, reforge the sword of Narsil. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
ELROND: As you wish.

The Stairs of Cirith Ungol:
GOLLUM: You were supposed to be this legendary manservant, you were this great loyal companion, and yet there are crumbs on your jacket!
SAM [to FRODO]: Well, I’m carrying food for three people, and Gollum’s got only himself.
FRODO: I do not accept excuses! I’m just going to have to find myself a new gardener, that’s all.
SAM: Don’t say that, master Frodo. Please?
FRODO: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?

Throne Room at Minas Tirith:
FARAMIR: Where does my loyalty lie if not here?
DENETHOR: I can’t afford to make exceptions. I mean, once word leaks out that a steward has gone soft, people begin to disobey him and it’s nothing but work, work, work all the time.

ELROND: Aragorn, Arwen is dying.
ARAGORN: She’s immortal. She can’t die.
ELROND: Whoo-hoo-hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it just so happens that your love here is only mostly immortal. There’s a big difference between mostly immortal and all immortal. Now, mostly immortal is slightly mortal.
EOWYN [at the entrance to the Paths of the Dead]: You’ll never come out alive!
ARAGORN: Nonsense! You’re only saying that because no one ever has!
EOWYN: Bye bye, boys!
MERRY: Have fun storming Minas Tirith!
EOWYN [to MERRY]: Think it will work?
MERRY [to EOWYN]: It would take a miracle!

Dwimorberg – The Haunted Mountain:
GHOST KING: I know who you are! You’re Isildur’s heir, admit it!
ARAGORN: With pride. What can I do for you?
GHOST KING: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
ARAGORN: Tch-tch-tch. You’re hardly complimentary, your Highness.

Tomb in Minas Tirith:
DENETHOR: I am the Dread Steward Denethor. There will be no survivors!
GUARD 1: Now?
GUARD 2: Not yet.
DENETHOR: My men are here. I am here. But soon you will not be here!
GUARD 1: Now?!
GUARD 2: Light him!
DENETHOR: The Dread Steward Denethor takes no survivors. All your worst nightmares are about to come true!
PIPPIN: Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?
FARAMIR [shakes head]: You?

Minas Tirith:
WITCH KING: Surrender!
GANDALF: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.
WITCH KING: I give you full marks for bravery. Don’t make yourself a fool.

Outside Minas Tirith:
WITCH KING: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You’ve got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It’s going to get you into trouble someday.
EOWYN: Hello. My name is Eowyn. You killed my uncle. Prepare to die!
EOWYN: I admit it, you are better than I am.
WITCH KING: Then why are you smiling?
EOWYN: Because I know something you don’t know.
WITCH KING: And what is that?
EOWYN: I am not a man!

The Tower of Cirith Ungol:
ORC 1: He’s only mostly dead!
ORC 2: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
SAM: I have no Ring.
FRODO: Sam, I’ll tear your arms off.
SAM: Oh, you mean this Ring.

Minas Tirith:
EOMER: What are our liabilities?
ARAGORN: There is but one working gate, and it is guarded by sixty thousand orcs.
EOMER: And our assets?
LEGOLAS: Aragorn’s sword, Gimli’s axe, and my arrows.
EOMER: That’s it? Impossible. If we had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something. But this... I mean, if we only had a host of men, that would be something.
ARAGORN: Where did we put that host of men we had?
EOMER: Why didn’t you list that among our assets in the first place?! Now, what I wouldn’t give for a group of Great Eagles...
GIMLI: A challenge? To the death? I accept!

At The Black Gate:
THE MOUTH OF SAURON: Your hobbit is dead. I killed him myself.
GANDALF: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
THE MOUTH OF SAURON: He died well. That should please you.
GANDALF: Nothing you can say will upset me. [To ARAGORN] Aragorn, cut his head off.

Mount Doom, After It Erupts:
[Screen goes black]
PETER JACKSON: Frodo and Sam don’t get burned up by the lava.
PETER JACKSON: Frodo and Sam don’t get burned up by the lava. I’m explaining to you because you looked nervous.
[Movie continues]

At the Coronation:
AUDIENCE: Is this a kissing book!?
EOWYN: You know, it’s very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long. Now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.
FARAMIR: Have you ever considered marriage? You’d make a wonderful Stewardess.

The Grey Havens:
SAM: What is it?
FRODO: Open it up.
SAM: A book?
FRODO: That’s right. When I was your age, adventures were called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my uncle used to write when he was adventuring and I used to write it when I was adventuring ... and today, I’m gonna give it to you.
SAM: Does it got any sports in it?
FRODO: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles.
SAM: It doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll try and stay awake.
FRODO: Oh, well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. Oh. All right: "There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Tale by Bilbo Baggins." ...

End Credits:
PETER JACKSON: "The End." Now I think you oughta go to sleep.
PETER JACKSON: All right. Okay, okay, okay. All right. So long.
AUDIENCE: Maybe we could come over and watch it again tomorrow?
PETER JACKSON: As you wish.

© DeVee et al. 2003-2004; Øystein Bech Gadmar 2005.
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