"Lost" of January 18, 2006
So, "Lost" the other night: let's see if I got this right...



SAWYER: Mm, and just what would you like me to do to you with this banana, Freckles?
KATE: *giggle* Get up.
SAWYER: Only if I get to use your curves as handholds on the way.
KATE: *giggle* Okay.
SAWYER: You know, I was reading some Sawyer/Kate fic last night. Hot stuff. I think I've become a 'shipper.
KATE: *giggle* Silly. Well, I gotta go find Jack. Bye!

MIKE: (pointing gun wildly at everybody) I'm leaving! I'm going to find Walt!
JACK: No. You stop this right now. You're grounded, young man.
LOCKE: Uh, Jack, he has the gun.

**Flashback**
HOT ITALIAN WOMAN: Ooooh, Doctor, can you please help my ailing father? Just one teensy little miracle? Per favore?
JACK'S DAD: Can't be done. He's a dead man.
HOT ITALIAN WOMAN: (running hands up Jack's lab coat) Per favore? Amore mio?
JACK: Yes. Absolutely. I can do it.

JACK: Come on, everybody! We're going after Mike!
AUDIENCE: Why? He clearly doesn't want you to.
KATE: I'm coming too!
JACK: No, by "everybody" I don't mean you.
AUDIENCE: Which means she's coming.
SAWYER: So what's up with you and Freckles?
JACK: Nothing! Nothing at all! Why should anything be up? After all, you're the one who LOOOOVES her.
SAWYER: ...okay.
LOCKE: "Sawyer." Nice name, JAMES.
SAWYER: You shut up.

**Flashback**
JACK'S WIFE: I'm not pregnant.
JACK: Oh. Um. Why would you tell me that?
JACK'S WIFE: To establish the uncomfortable nature of our marriage thus far. Well, good luck with the hot Italian woman's dad.

(CHARLIE and HURLEY are going through the bunker's easy listening record collection.)
SAYID: This music is very depressing. [That was pretty funny. I won't try to top it.]
CHARLIE: We're agonizing over chicks, man. Join us.
SAYID: Yes. Claire is annoyed with you, and Hurley is considering asking someone out. Meanwhile, my island girlfriend is dead. It's practically the same thing. Thank you for your consideration.

JIN: I want to go after Mike too.
SUN: You! Sit! Right! Down!
JIN: ...Yes, dear.

**Flashback**
JACK: Crap. I'm sorry your dad died on the operating table.
HOT ITALIAN WOMAN: *sniffle* Ees okay. (starts making out with JACK in the hospital parking lot)
JACK: Mmmff. Um...and, sorry about that too. Using tongue so early on, I mean.
HOT ITALIAN WOMAN: No no, is all right. I am European.

ZEKE: [If that is indeed his real name] Howdy, varmints. Drop yer weapons.
JACK: No! Give us Walt and Mike!
ZEKE: Lookie here, see: this is our island, not yours.
AUDIENCE: Now would be a good time to say, "Fine! We crashed here, remember? We don't WANT to be here! Give us a boat or a radio, and send us home!" But instead...
JACK: Nuh-uh, man. This is our turf too. And we outnumber you.
(Several dozen torches flare up around them.)
LOCKE: ...Or not.
ZEKE: Oh, also, we found this gal of yours. (hauls out KATE, gagged and tied)
SAWYER: Dammit, she's my island make-out crush. Don't damage her mouth like that.
(OUR HEROES throw down their guns, and get KATE back.)
ZEKE: Thanks. So long!

**Flashback**
JACK'S WIFE: How's the hot Italian woman?
JACK: Fine. You pried it out of me. I kissed her. Long and deep and wet. But I'm really sorry, and I'll make things better! I'll try to see you more than five minutes a day! I'll try really, really hard not to kiss patients' hot relatives! Unless they kiss me first; 'cause then, I mean, what can I do?
JACK'S WIFE: Moot point, dear. I'm leaving you.
JACK: Nooo! With ISSUES! You're leaving me with so many ISSUES!

KATE: Jaaaack. Taaaalk to me.
JACK; *sulk*
KATE: I'll make out with Sawyer again if you don't.
JACK: *sulk*
KATE: Okay, fine, I hate you anyway!

(LOCKE plays with CLAIRE and BABY AARON on the beach. CHARLIE stands by and sulks--as if CLAIRE is likely to, you know, marry LOCKE, who is old enough to be her grandpa. Meanwhile...)

JACK: You're a cop, right?
ANA-LUCIA: Was. I had Issues.
JACK: Hey, I hear you. So, how long would it take to train an army?
AUDIENCE (or at least MY HUSBAND): That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard.

**end**