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Molly J. Ringwraith

Owner's Guide to Legolas

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Buffy Spike
Molly J. Ringwraith
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Owner's Guide to Legolas

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Buffy Spike
Amazing! I actually found something funny on Fanfiction.net!

This was written by one Theresa Green, whose day job is writing user guides for computer software. She has now put these skills to fabulous use by writing user guides for Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Aragorn, hobbits, and Will Turner. Very clever and funny.

If you like it, I recommend you go over to the link at FF.net and leave her a comment. But commenting here is fine too, just to share the love. :)



You are now the proud owner of a LEGOLAS GREENLEAF wood-elf!

Follow the guidelines in this manual and your LEGOLAS will give you and your descendents centuries of quality performance.


When you receive your LEGOLAS, unwrap him from his elven cloak by unpinning the brooch in the shape of a leaf. It is not necessary to remove any other garments at this stage.

Your LEGOLAS should arrive fully assembled and powered up. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the LEGOLAS.

(a) Mark I LEGOLAS (copyright Tolkien, 1954)

(b) Mark II LEGOLAS (copyright Jackson/Bloom, 2001)


Name: Legolas Greenleaf (aka Legolas Thranduilion)

Type: Sindarin/Silvan Elf

Site of Manufacture: Northern Mirkwood

Height: 180cm

Weight: Negligible (as shown in tests on snow)

Length: Data not available

Electrical Connection: Not necessary


Mk I LEGOLAS – Uncertain



Your LEGOLAS has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English, Sindarin or Quenya.

Remember that your LEGOLAS is not just decorative; he has 101 uses around the home and garden. For example:


Faintly glowing skin is a standard feature of the wood-elf model. Make the most of this attribute by using your LEGOLAS as a night-light in your child’s bedroom.


For the most effective child-minding service, take your children’s shoes and socks off, glue fur to their feet and tell your LEGOLAS that they are hobbits. He will guard them with his life.


The LEGOLAS is programmed with a vast knowledge of horticultural practices and can even provide lessons in gardening. Let your LEGOLAS loose in your garden and watch it bloom.


As with all quality Elves, your LEGOLAS’s memory contains a great many stories and poems. This makes him ideal for the telling of tales to small children.

Winter Chores:

Due to your wood-elf’s remarkably light construction, he can walk on snow and can therefore be sent on errands if you find yourself snowbound.

*** CAUTION *** Your LEGOLAS is a fully functional male wood-elf and is capable of providing many other services around the home. However certain tasks should not be undertaken by owners who are in a stable relationship with another human. Improper use of a LEGOLAS by such owners can result in permanent damage to marital contentment and the commencement of divorce proceedings.


You will find that your LEGOLAS is compatible with most other Elves, hobbits, wizards and humans. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your LEGOLAS in conjunction with any dwarf model other than the GIMLI ELF-FRIEND.

The maintenance of a GIMLI as an attachment to a LEGOLAS is generally not problematic after the first few weeks. The LEGOLAS and GIMLI models have three modes of interaction:

(a) Hostile

(b) Friendly

(c) Slash

*** WARNING *** It is essential that both the LEGOLAS and GIMLI units be set to the same interaction mode. If the GIMLI model is set to ‘Hostile’ while the LEGOLAS is set to ‘Slash’, your wood-elf could be fatally damaged.


The items with which your LEGOLAS comes equipped, depend on which edition of the wood-elf you have purchased.

Mk I LEGOLAS: Wears green and brown clothes, light shoes and carries one long white knife.

Mk II LEGOLAS: Wears green and silver-grey clothes, boots and carries two knives.

Both editions are equipped with grey elven cloaks and bows. The Mk II LEGOLAS also has the ‘Quiver of Infinite Arrows’.

To make your LEGOLAS more portable, you may wish to purchase the AROD horse module. The AROD Mk I comes without a saddle or bridle. The AROD Mk II comes with a complete set of tack.

*** CAUTION *** Do not mount a Mk II LEGOLAS on a Mk I AROD as damage may be sustained to the wood-elf unit as a result of his inferior equestrian expertise (e.g. broken ribs).


Depending on the uses to which you put your LEGOLAS, you may have to clean him on a daily basis. Use water from woodland streams to wash your LEGOLAS in the appropriate areas. Use a herbal body wash for more stubborn stains (e.g. whipped cream, chocolate mousse or baby lotion).

*** CAUTION *** Avoid cleaning your LEGOLAS in seawater. This could lead to a ‘Sea Longing’ malfunction (see ‘Trouble Shooting’ below).


To ensure that your LEGOLAS remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.

Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your LEGOLAS is beyond the scope of this manual. For more information, please refer to www.libraryofmoria.com.


After long periods of use, your LEGOLAS’s energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your wood-elf:


The LEGOLAS does not need as much food as the Meriadoc or Peregrin halfling models, but he benefits from regular refuelling with lembas.


If your LEGOLAS’s energy is almost spent, administer one mouthful of Miruvor or an infusion of Athelas. Under normal circumstances, river water is quite adequate to maintain correct wood-elf hydration. Your LEGOLAS may try to convince you that he needs red wine to maintain the perfect balance of electrolytes. This is not true. Excessive drinking of wine in wood-elves can lead to malfunctions (e.g. escape of captive dwarves).


You may be surprised by the small amount of sleep that your LEGOLAS needs in order to maintain optimum performance. This is due to his enhanced ‘Sleeping-While-Walking-Along’ functionality.


The Mk II LEGOLAS can be issued with a revised ‘Return of the King’ program from December 2003. Please see your local cinema for details of this upgrade.

It is not possible to reprogram the Mk I LEGOLAS.


Thanks to the popularity of the LEGOLAS (especially the Mk II), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your wood-elf.

* Have your LEGOLAS micro-chipped. Choose a service engineer who is experienced in the handling of wood-elves to carry out this procedure.

* Do not leave your LEGOLAS unattended in public.

* Do not lend your LEGOLAS to anyone (e.g. best friend, sister).

* Do not leave your LEGOLAS on the passenger seat of the car in full view of passers by.

*** CAUTION *** Your LEGOLAS may tell you that the best way to keep from getting lost is to tie his wrists to the bedposts with silk scarves. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think for one minute that it has anything to do with security.


Q: Can I take my LEGOLAS on holiday with me?

A: Yes, but you must avoid seaside locations. Taking your LEGOLAS within earshot of a seagull could cause a permanent ‘Sea Longing’ malfunction. Instead consider taking your LEGOLAS on vacation to the English Lake District or Sherwood Forest. A North American owner may want to take his or her LEGOLAS hiking on the Appalachian Trail. He will probably carry all your gear for you and will never get lost!

Q: Can I purchase a second LEGOLAS?

A: Due to the popularity of this model, a strict rationing system has been introduced – one LEGOLAS per household.

Q: I have read in some Fan Fiction that my LEGOLAS could become pregnant. Is this true?

A: Absolutely not! Nor can he be transformed into a woman or lose his elven powers of sight and hearing. Contrary to Fan Fiction lore, your LEGOLAS is unlikely to become injured at the drop of a hat or fall hopelessly in love with a teenage girl who has been miraculously transported from 21st Century America into Middle Earth.

Q: Where should I store my LEGOLAS when he is not in use?

A: Generally speaking your LEGOLAS should be kept in a tree-house when he is not in use. Wrap him in his elven cloak and he will stay in perfect working order. If your LEGOLAS and GIMLI models are both set to ‘Slash’ mode, you may find that you have to put the dwarf in the tree-house too.


Problem: Your LEGOLAS keeps climbing the trees in your back garden and won’t come down.

Solution: Shout ‘Daro’ in a commanding tone and your LEGOLAS should drop back to earth in surprise and fear.

Problem: Your LEGOLAS seems distracted and there is a faraway look in his eyes. It is very difficult to attract his attention. He may even seem pale and ill. When unattended he tries to build ships out of bits of wood and sticky-backed plastic.

Solution: Your LEGOLAS has become afflicted with a ‘Sea Longing’ malfunction. There is no cure. The only choice is to send him, in company with a GIMLI, to Valinor (see Yellow Pages for address).

Problem: Your LEGOLAS has dishevelled hair, torn clothes, love-bites and a dazed expression.

Solution: Adjust the ‘Slash’ setting on both your LEGOLAS and GIMLI models from NC17 to PG13.

Problem: Your LEGOLAS sleeps with his eyes open.

Solution: This is perfectly normal behaviour for a wood-elf and is nothing to worry about. He is simply running the ‘Blending Living Night And Deep Dream’ program.

Problem: Your LEGOLAS sleeps with his eyes shut.

Solution: This is a warning sign that your LEGOLAS is seriously injured or is ill with ‘Sea Longing’. Contact your local wood-elf service engineer as soon as possible.

Problem: Your Legolas has developed the habit of sliding down the stairs on a tea-tray.

Solution: This became a common problem with the Mk II LEGOLAS after the infamous ‘Battle of Helm’s Deep’ upgrade in December 2002. The only solution is to confiscate his tea-tray.

Problem: Your LEGOLAS is excessively avaricious, loathes all dwarves with a passion (even the GIMLI ELF-FRIEND) and keeps rifling through your jewellery box.

Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a THRANDUIL rather than a LEGOLAS. If you kept your receipt, you may be able to get a refund. Otherwise your only hope is to breed from him.

Problem: Minutes after you open your LEGOLAS, your front garden becomes inundated with screaming teenage girls wielding ‘Marry Me, Orli!’ banners.

Solution: This phenomenon is not unknown with the Mk II LEGOLAS. Take the following steps:

(1) It essential that you hide your LEGOLAS. Do not hide him in the bedroom – it is the first place they will look.

(2) Tell the fan-girls that ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ is showing at your local cinema. They will soon disappear.

(3) Tell any remaining fan-girls that you have a Mk I LEGOLAS. Most of them will lose interest since they probably have only a vague understanding of the Tolkien (1954) model. Any than are left are probably quite decent people. Invite them in for lembas cookies and begin a discussion about whether LEGOLAS would really have known ARAGORN before the Council of Elrond. While they are arguing, sneak out with your LEGOLAS and head for the nearest forest. Lie low for a few days.

Problem: Your spouse has become curiously withdrawn and uncommunicative. He or she may even have threatened your LEGOLAS with physical violence.

Solution: Ask yourself if you are spending too much time with your LEGOLAS. Have been neglecting your spouse? Perhaps you have said or done something to offend him/her? For example, talked to your partner in Sindarin all afternoon or cried out the wrong name at a moment of intimate crisis?


Your LEGOLAS will give many, many years of faithful service. In order to avoid bitter arguments between your children, remember to record in your Last Will and Testament which of them will inherit your wood-elf. .

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