Molly J. Ringwraith

I have three things to say regarding musical theater tonight.

1) After closing in Toronto a while back, the 'Lord of the Rings' musical is now retooled and running in London. People say it looks pretty, but that in order to make sense of the plot you need to have read the books. Is that entirely a bad thing? Anyway, on the official site you can watch a trailer of sorts, and hear a bit of music. I remain curious.

2) As a Mel Brooks admirer, I am delighted to learn that Young Frankenstein is now a Broadway-bound musical! Its pre-Broadway run is taking place here in Seattle in August. Cool. Apparently the songs include (of course) "Puttin' on the Ritz" and "He Vas My Boyfriend". Those familiar with the movie can grin along with me at those titles.

3) The place where nobody dared to go... Also on its way to Broadway, this one on speeding roller skates, is Xanadu. Since the movie's soundtrack went double-platinum but the movie's plot and execution is considered one of the hokiest in history, the play's creators wisely are keeping the music but extensively rewriting the story and characters. Or so I gather. This sounds like it could be horrifying anyway, but I have to confess I would love to see it. (*Molly hides the CD of the movie soundtrack, which naturally she does not own, same as she doesn't own the soundtrack to The Pirate Movie*.)

To return to Lord of the Rings for a moment:

Whether or not you've ever played D&D or similar games (I haven't really, for instance), you should have a look at this, which is a hilarious take on the question, "What if LOTR was acted out by D&D players?" Graphic novel form, lots of pages, still continuing!

Kudos to creator Shamus Young, and to astroman_rich for bringing it to my attention.

I've been wrestling with this decision, but it's time I confessed some things to you guys. (*deep breath*) Here goes.

I was actually the first person to write LOTR slash fiction. This was back in 2002. It seemed to catch on, so I kept it up despite my inner voice warning me that I was getting addicted. In fact, if you look at archives such as the Library of Moria, I am all the authors whose names begin with the letters A through L. The rest were either proteges of mine, or people who stole my ideas and took credit for them. But I have forgiven them, and so far three of them have withdrawn their libel or vandalism lawsuits. (Two more look like they're willing to settle out of court; and as for that assault and battery one, well, come on Miss Elfkisser, it's not like I knocked you out cold at that convention; I just tripped on your Lorien cloak and you know it.)

My fame and numerous online persona--284 at last count--started to derange me before long. As some of you know, I was making, selling, and smoking a bit too much of my own Shire pipeweed, from a secret recipe that includes dried cilantro and lawn clover. (I'm still not sharing the other ingredients! Some things must remain sacred.) Anyway, this was before the FDA shut me down, and my brain was getting kind of whacked. That's when I turned to the real-person fic and the following around of the actors. (I'm sure you'll agree that the term "stalking" is quite judgmental and unfair.)

Well, I know now that I tried to get too close, and toyed with too many of their emotions. Billy Boyd may never publicly admit it but I know I broke his heart. David Wenham still won't speak to me even though there was a time when I could make him smile just by asking for his autograph. The restraining orders from Elijah, Dom, Viggo, and Hugo probably serve me right--I was too much of a temptation and might have destroyed their other relationships (for instance, Dom's and Elijah's relationship with each other, which has been a joy to watch as it blossoms).

I know I went too far with the paternity suit against Orlando Bloom. I have withdrawn the charge and now admit that he could not have been the father of my child. In truth all he ever did was sign a poster for me. Through the mail, as a matter of fact. Also, I'm a virgin. But when you are dazzled by love, you can make yourself believe anything.

Meanwhile, in the fanfic world, I was becoming ever more vindictive to my fellow fans. Even though I was the real author of the Very Secret Diaries and it was wrong of Cassie Claire to steal them from me and claim them as her own work, it was not right of me to retaliate by making her a victim of credit card fraud. I am paying back the money, which anyway was mostly used to buy replica Arwen jewelry, which I've now sold again on Ebay. Cashing in my Air New Zealand frequent flyer miles also has helped, and lets the Kiwis rest easy knowing I won't be camping out at the Bag End site anymore.

Once again, I'm really sorry to everyone I hurt, and though I could have gotten on with my life and let this stuff all die quietly, I thought it best to revisit it in excruciating detail online.

By the way, I am also the first ten people who respond to this post. It's a bad habit and I'm trying to break it, but as with all addictions it will take time.

Please forgive me, and may Eru bless you all!

-Molly J. Ringwraith,
suoires ton yllatot

If you drew any of the artwork listed below for me, for the Two Towers parody, for CafePress gear a few years ago, please email me! I may have one to three dollars for you. Woohoo!

Designs with some commissions due on them:

"Want some cheese with your whine?"
"You're just jealous because I'm pretty."
"I have splinters in places..."
"I almost had a facial expression..."

(email: writerofirony at earthlink dot net)

And yes, I did keep the info somewhere, but it's been so long, I doubted it was still current. Hope I can find you!

Mol

Postscript...
This is kind of interesting. I opened up the document in which I'd written the 'Return of the King' parody, and found a "Stuff taken out" section at the bottom. I now recall that I wrote these scenes *before* having seen the movie, going on rumors and hopes and book-knowledge. Some of them apply to the extended edition now, anyway. If you're curious, here they are...

* * *

Special announcement! Anytime you hear this sound:
Ding ding ding!
...it means that someone who was thought to be dead has turned out to be alive again. We saw this happen in 'The Fellowship of the Ring' when Frodo was stabbed by the cave troll but saved by his mithril vest. We saw it in 'The Two Towers' when Gandalf returned triumphant from his tussle with the Balrog, and when Aragorn survived his fall from a cliff. And, folks, we're going to be seeing a LOT more of it in this movie! We'll be counting 'em up, so when you hear that sound, remember that plot device: it's a good one!

(FRODO DISMISSING SAM)

PETER JACKSON: Er, Sean? You're going to start crying now, and pretty much keep it up for the rest of the movie. All right?
SEAN ASTIN: Okay. No problem.

(SHELOB'S CAVE)

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Theh-hey...*sob*...ki-hilled...*sob*...Frodo!
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK attempt to commit suicide with their car keys. They are stopped by PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Not just yet. Save it for the ending.

(BLACK GATE)

MOUTH OF SAURON: We're not afraid of you.
GANDALF: You should be. We have some dangerous tricks up our sleeve.
MOUTH OF SAURON: Oh? Like sending in the spy who was wearing this stuff?
MOUTH OF SAURON tosses over FRODO's clothes.
ARAGORN: Oh, crap.
GANDALF: Uh...no! Other tricks! Could you excuse us?
MOUTH OF SAURON: (grinning) Oh, don't go! This is fun! Tell me again how I should be scared.
ARAGORN: We'll, er, get back to you.
MOUTH OF SAURON: Aw, come on! Stay! Tell me more! I love it when I can crack Sauron up with the daily news report.
PIPPIN: (sobbing) You're...you're...you're MEAN!
MOUTH OF SAURON: Oh-ho! Bwahaha! Yes, perfect! Hey, come back! Do another one!

(PELENNOR FIELDS)

EOMER gallops up.
EOMER: Oh, damn, my uncle's dead. That's too bad; he was really a swell guy and I always WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE BLOODY GODDESS IS MY SISTER'S BODY DOING HERE?
MERRY: A...flying thing...and I...we...
EOMER: Dang it, Merry, you're bleeding on me. Go somewhere else.
PIPPIN: Aragorn! Merry's dead!
ARAGORN: Let me see. No he's not.
PIPPIN: He's not?
ARAGORN: Nah. Just a glorified paper cut, really. In fact, Eowyn's not dead either.
EOMER: Thank the heavens! Bless you, my brother!
GIMLI: What about Theoden?
ARAGORN: I'm afraid he really is dead. Jeez, am I the only one around here with any medical training?
LEGOLAS: I find it much more stylish just to not get hurt at all. (ducks to avoid a flying head) Hey! That one nearly touched my braids! Now I'm REALLY steamed.
LEGOLAS stomps off to slay some Dark Forces.

(MINAS TIRITH)

FARAMIR: Hi, pretty lady. How YOU doin'?
EOWYN: Dismayed. My crush is marrying some Elven chick.
FARAMIR: Oh. Well, I'm no king, but I get to be High Princeling of Ithilien now that my dad's dead.
EOWYN: Really? Hmm...you know, you're actually kind of cute. Want to kiss me? Get married, maybe?
FARAMIR: Sure! Wow, that was easy. I thought I'd at least have to buy you a drink or something.
EOWYN: Hey, I feared I would die a virgin out there. I didn't die, but the other part still needs to be remedied. (wink)
FARAMIR: This was SO worth putting up with my dad all those years.
FARAMIR sweeps her into a kiss which turns out to be much cuter than any kiss ARAGORN and ARWEN have ever managed (but not, perhaps, as cute as FRODO and SAM have managed).

(FRODO'S HOSPITAL BED IN MINAS TIRITH)

Ding ding ding!
AUDIENCE: Hey, wait a second. We already knew Gandalf was alive.
MOLLY: Yeah, but Sam and Frodo didn't.
AUDIENCE: Oh, fine. Have your stupid sound effect.

* * *

Now I will herewith stop spamming you.

Questions for those of the legal persuasion:

People have asked me when I'm going to "publish" my Lord of the Rings parodies. Some have gotten almost belligerent about it: "Why aren't they published yet??! What are you waiting for???!!" and so forth. :) I kind of figured I couldn't publish them, since they use names and plot points that I didn't create and do not own. But parody does usually get a free ride, doesn't it? Do you think I'd get into any trouble if I published them in POD form [print on demand--paperback, basically], and even earned a small royalty off them?

The idea that I'd be hurting profits of the real Lord of the Rings--books or films--is laughable, so I think I'd be safe. But it's the kind of thing I want to find out before I try it, rather than later; i.e., when receiving a "cease and desist" notice from New Line Cinema. ;)

If it *is* a good idea...well, then I'm going to need to hire one of you artistic types to design me a cover. And I'll need a good title. Hmm.

Righto. Thanks!

Molly

To bring us back to Lord of the Rings news:

Peter Jackson and Fran Walsh wrote a letter to fans, stating they won't be working on a film version of The Hobbit with New Line, due to disputes over LOTR profits. However, hints from MGM--who, if I understand correctly, owns the distribution rights (then what does New Line own? Anyway...)--indicate that they would like to work with PJ on it. So, maybe it will be a Jackson film, and maybe not. And then there's this idea of a LOTR prequel, which is also tied into the same mess--maybe Jackson's, maybe not. Maybe nobody's.

Well, on TORN, their poll question is "How likely are you to see a Hobbit movie(s) without Peter Jackson's involvement?", and while 50% are currently saying "Definitely No - No way without PJ!," I admit I answered "Very Likely - Can't wait for any live-action Hobbit film!" because--well, PJ, I loved the movies, everyone here knows I did, but I love the books just a tiny bit more. So whoever can translate them to screen gets my interest. Sorry y'all had to end up fighting over the profits, though.

Although the fandom world has had some sad news from Australia recently in the loss of everyone's favorite TV reptile wrangler, Steve Irwin, some of you will be glad to know that there is also good news from that quadrant of the world. Namely, a group of college students is planning to film a low-budget, informal version of my All-Slash All-the-Time version of 'Fellowship.' In New Zealand, no less!

Alice, the student who emailed me and got permission, has in turn granted me her permission to tell you folks about their plans, in the off chance that any of you are in the Wellington area and can help with sets, props, techie things, or convincing "heteroflexible" actors to snog their buddies just one more time for the sake of art. She was pretty funny, really, asking so politely and deferentially for my permission, saying she knew authors can be possessive about their work. Yes, this script in which I make fun of all possible slash pairings in the LOTR world, and have Legolas calling Aragorn "my widdle fuzzy rangerkins" (along with "filthy miserable whore"), is far too sacred and close to my heart for anyone else to tamper with it. Hee.

Anyway, if you're interested in helping, email me (writerofirony at earthlink dot net) and I'll hook you up with Alice's email. I will definitely keep you all informed if they finish this film and put it on YouTube. I've granted permission to several groups now, via email, to film my parody scripts, but never the all-slash version before. I've also never seen any of the finished films. Presumably someone would let me know if they were floating around out there.

Those of you who are not happy to hear this news can merely take it as another sign of the impending apocalypse. Thank you and goodnight.

I have a request from an anonymous seeker...

"I know this is completely off-topic, but I've been looking for this LotR fic where Legolas makes dinner for the fellowship and it goes completely wrong (extensive food poisoning - odor is enough the scare away Sauron). I would post this at a LotR fic search community, but have yet to find one. If you remember this fic, or know of a place where I can ask for help in looking for it, please tell. I'm desperate...please..."

Post any answers here. Danke!

As to last Wednesday's "Lost," I have little to say, since they didn't advance the plot much until the last ten seconds. I heart Bernard and Rose, of course, and I'm glad the island did something good for her. But that Jack-and-Kate-smashed-together-in-a-net scene...what, were the writers trying to spark some NC17 Kate/Jack fanfic or something? Desperate ploy. We all know she and Sawyer make a more smokin' couple. So, next topic...

The TBS station is airing the three LOTR films this weekend. They've also been showing some funny promos for it, including a reel of Frodo falling down, another of Legolas and Aragorn as the "hunks" of Middle-Earth, and (of course) Frodo and Sam as secret lovers. (That one was almost too easy for 'em. Heck, they only had to use footage from the first film alone.) If, like me, you don't have cable, these promos can be viewed here. Thank you to narniadear for pointing that out! Btw, any way I can save them to my computer? I'm on a Mac for what that's worth.

And as to Harry Potter: I recently rewatched Prisoner of Azkaban, and have a question that I'm sure has only been asked a zillion times. Fred and George had the Marauder's Map for years, but it took Harry--or Lupin in the book, I think--to notice that some guy named Peter Pettigrew was on it, and always seemed to be in the exact location of Ron's rat? A little dense of the twins, considering they're Ron's brothers and probably spend plenty of time near him and his rat.

I'll stop there before I say anything else stupid, since I'm sure there's a good explanation. Ciao!

Reviews are starting to come in for the 'Lord of the Rings' musical, which opened last night in Toronto. They are, on the whole, not so good. It is as we feared.

I'm still curious to hear the actual music, but I have to say I cringe at the repeated mention of Bollywood influences. Don't get me wrong; India seems a lovely nation, and Bollywood music has its proper time and place. But the third age in Middle-Earth is not the time or the place.

Your Baby New Year today arrives in the form of our favorite fantasy-lit orphans, Frodo Baggins and Harry Potter. fictualities has posted a lovely essay here musing about the qualities of the orphaned hobbit and the orphaned young wizard, and why this tragic circumstance leads them both to be good heroes. Settle down to a thoughtful read; and happy new year!

LOTR:
Now available on DVD: Ringers: Lord of the Fans, a documentary about the fan phenomenon surrounding LOTR (book, film, the whole deal) over the decades. I got it via Netflix yesterday, and watched it while eating dinner. Some interesting and amusing stuff, though clearly put together on a tight budget. I'd give it 3.5 out of 5 stars. They did cover Cassie Claire's Very Secret Diaries, which was good to see. And some of the manic-fan stuff was pretty funny--like the chick practically berating Elijah Wood, at a souvenir-signing event, for being so hot. The look on his face was great. ("Thank you...?", he said.)

HP:
I feel I should tell you that Hot Topic is currently offering up loads of Harry Potter stuff. Get a "Support Cedric Diggory" T-shirt, a postcard of Ron in England's worst tuxedo, a Gryffindor track jacket with "Potter" across the back, a Death Eaters wrist cuff, and more. Note: that link is the first of 4 pages, so be sure to click the little arrow to continue onward.

Oh, and happy Thanksgiving to ye United Statesians.

FYI, for those in the Seattle area...

Monday • October 31 • 7pm
A Costume Party with Alan Lee
The Lord of the Rings Sketchbook (Houghton Mifflin)
Reading & Book Signing
University District Store
Come dressed as your favorite hobbit! Alan Lee discusses the process through which he created the definitive visual companions to J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings books. The 150 illustrations in the Lord of the Rings Sketchbook show the progress, too, of his vision as it traveled from canvas to film.Co-sponsored by the Northwest Tolkien Society.

From the U. Bookstore's page. Free event. Enjoy!

What happens when you edit movie clips in a misleading fashion, and add appropriate music? Well, you get:

Star Wars: Episode III as an, uh, "alternative lifestyle" romance (the Cher song really makes it work, I think),

West Side Story as a horror/thriller,

And The Shining as a warm-hearted family film.

Pretty great all around. Kudos to their creators.

And for those who like to read their jokes, an oldie-but-I'm-not-sure-I-ever-posted-it-goodie: Lord of the Rings as written by other authors. For instance, how Gene Roddenberry's take on it might have looked (even though the page misspells it "Roddenbury"):

"The Halflings, cap'n, they will na take the strain."

"Strider, we've got to get out of this snow. Legolas, did you get a reading on that creature?"

"Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an unknown creature that lurks in the pool waiting for passing strangers. Ecologically implausible, captain."

"Do you know what it is?"

"I believe I said it was unknown, Dr Gimli. Logically, if I knew what it was, then it wouldn't be unknown."

"Cap'n, we're in some sort of temporal warp, stretching and deforming the plot. The snow should take place a day before our encounter with this beastie."

"Captain, what are we going to do."

"Boromir, put on that red armour."....

Øystein Bech Gadmar, ever patient and industrious, has taken into account several of the suggestions and nit-picks from the previously posted Princess Bride/LOTR crossover, and now presents to you a final (?) version, available and looking tidy at:

http://folk.uio.no/obech/Files/TPB+LotR_Kissing_Book.htm

Tell your friends; bring your kids; spread the news. Great work, one and all.

In an unrelated note, my Tolkien calendar speaks today of the Dwarf-Road, and says, "The Edain entered Beleriand in this way, and so did bands of ravishing Orcs." Indeed.

ORC 1: Ashknughd, you look ravishing today! Is that a new breastplate?
ORC 2: Why, yes - thank you - it is. You like it? Really?
ORC 1: Adore it. Oooh, it's so leathery! What's it made of?
ORC 2: Roadkill. Fresh last week.
ORC 1: You find the best deals. I'm so jealous.
ORC 2: Oh, don't be silly. I so wish I had your hair.
ORC 1: No! This old mess? You do?
ORC 2: Absolutely. What do you use on it? Skunk fat?
ORC 1: Oh - just blood. Ox if I can get it; usually only squirrel.
ORC 2: Truly? Well, it looks fabulous on you! I wish mine did that.
ORC 1: Oh, you do not. You're such a flatterer.
ORC 2: No, I mean it! I think you're the ravishing one in our army. I've always thought so.

Yeah, okay, that's enough. *wanders off*

Sometimes I need to see something goofy and funny after a day of deep, difficult thoughts and tasks. Luckily Sara S. emailed me just the link:

They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard!

2-minute music video created by Erwin Beekveld. Requires Windows Media Player. Completely clean; totally silly. Kind of similar to the "What's Taters, Precious?" mix from a while back, if you remember that.

Many thanks, Sara.

Here's hoping we don't all crash the server.

Not that anyone (in the U.S. at least) is around this weekend, but for my own records I link here a very good article interviewing Elijah Wood about his past and future. Touches on his upcoming films, his plans to get a record label started, and the LOTR experience.

He's in a hotel in Edinburgh from which he can see the castle, huh? Bet it's the Balmoral. They'd get a big star like him a suite in the Balmoral. Scottish fans, do blow him a kiss for me, yah?

[Edit: I know Americans are often clueless as to geography outside their own neighborhood--or so you like to believe in the rest of the world--but please be aware, dear Scots and those who know the region, that I am referring to the Balmoral Hotel, not the royal estate in the highlands also called Balmoral. Given the Balmoral Hotel's prices, I've never stayed there myself, but I know exactly where it is, since I lived in a hostel at the other end of Princes Street for 2 or 3 months in '96. I adore Scotland and wish I could afford a summer home there, either in the highlands or the lowlands, and I mentioned the Balmoral out of fond familiarity with old Embra, not out of pretension. After all, there ARE 700 of you ready to jump on me with corrections if I screw this stuff up. So note that if I were a real clueless tourist I would have called it "Princess Street." Thank you. Carry on.]

Just a note for a subgroup of the LOTR fandom...

Those of you who were following Bill the Pony's epic hobbitslash fic "The Making of Samwise," or for anyone who has been interested in following it, be aware that a) it is finished! Yay!, and b) it might not be available much longer. Go to Bill's MoS page and download it soon, for, in her words, "This site will be removed from the web on or shortly after October 9, 2005. Save what you want to keep before that date. Thank you for reading."

It really is a remarkable and lovely piece of work (and long! Some 200,000 words in total), and if you're only going to read one really in-depth pre-quest Frodo/Sam fic, it might as well be this one.

I just wanted to spread the word, since I would have been sad if I found the site had gone offline before I could get the final "ending" (which is basically the beginning of LOTR), and I wouldn't want that to happen to any other readers.

If you're reading this, Cara, good show! I bow to your perseverance and talent. You have a permanent place in hobbitslash legend...an achievement I'm sure you'll put on your business cards. :)

Inspired by a silly meme, and very bored indeed, I give you a tiny Monkees/LOTR crossover.

BEACH IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, 1967

DAVY JONES, walking barefoot and bare-chested along the sand, spots a blonde in a long cloak at the water's edge.

DAVY: Now, what 'ave we 'ere?...
DAVY saunters over.
DAVY: Emm, 'scuse me, miss, nice day, inn't it? I'm Davy, and if you want to come up to me and me friends' house, we've got some groovy records to--oh!
LEGOLAS has turned around to look at him.
DAVY: Uh...look, I'm sorry, I thought you were a... you know, you've got really great hair. Do you put stuff in it after you shampoo, or what?
LEGOLAS looks at him blankly.
DAVY: Right, er...so, you in a band? You look like you'd be a groovy singer.
LEGOLAS: I do sing, when I am inspired by great beauty.
DAVY: 'Ey, right on, babe, same 'ere! What's your band called? I may have heard of 'em.
LEGOLAS: I was once with the Fellowship. But now I travel alone.
DAVY: The Fellowship? Don't think I've heard of them. Sort of hippie style, are they?
LEGOLAS: I do not understand.
DAVY: It's all right, man; I'm halfway a hippie myself, y'know. I get called a long-haired weirdo every day. You must get that, right?
LEGOLAS: (idly twirls a knife in his hand) I do not tolerate ridicule.
DAVY: (fascinated by the knife) Oooh, would you look at that! You'd get on well with my friend Micky, you would--he's been in the circus, y'know. Bet he could juggle those. You throw 'em, or wha' exactly?
LEGOLAS: If necessary. (looks out at the ocean) Can you tell me if Valinor lies across these waters?
DAVY: Valinor? Emm...'aven't heard of it...course, I'm from Manchester meself...
LEGOLAS: I feel strangely drawn to the sea. It calls to me.
DAVY: Yeah, it's pretty, inn't it? Sometimes I come down 'ere, man, and just sit, and watch the waves, and write songs. You know?
LEGOLAS: Yes. Yes, the sea can inspire great songs indeed.
DAVY: Listen, do you want to take a walk? If you're not with a band now, you could join us. We could use another good-looking bloke like you, especially one we could dress up as a girl; you know, for when there's contests for mixed bands only...
LEGOLAS: Your style of dress is foreign, but I am interested to learn of you. In a strange manner you remind me of some small friends I once had.
DAVY: 'Ey, no picking on the height, now. You'll find that this slight frame hides a very great man indeed. (winks)
LEGOLAS: I believe it. The bravery of the hobbits was remarkable.
DAVY: The Hobbits, eh? 'Aven't heard of them either. What kind of music did they play?
LEGOLAS: Irreverent ballads, for the most part...
They walk off down the beach together.